Self-Sabotage and its Positive Intention
Over my years as a Coach & Healer I hear over and over again about self-sabotage, “I am sabotaging my goals”. Often it is said with criticism and judgement further adding to the anguish. how can we be stopping ourselves from something we really want.
What is Self-Sabotage?
Self-sabotage looks like procrastination, saying yes to others and self-sacrificing our own goals, people-pleasing, busyness, unhealthy use of alcohol, food, drugs, social media, overspending forming toxic relationships and staying in a job that you really don’t like.
Why do we Self Sabotage?
Self-sabotage is a response to protect ourselves from a perceived threat from what could happen if we achieved our goal. It is linked to perfectionism which is to avoid rejection but most of all a reminder of the hurt previous rejection may have caused. There is a part of us that normally on an unconscious level it is in our best interest to not go there. It could prevent you from feeling discomfort or what is perceived could happen if you get what you want or not. This can be that a relationship or a break-up was so painful in the past, you received criticism and discomfort for being in the limelight, you may fear losing connection with people around you including family if you step into what you truly desire and what that means.
On reaching our goal we may feel joy and this can also unleash some old unprocessed grief because when we feel one emotion even ifs a one we deem positive it may access the painful emotions.
We may feel undeserving due to a deep-rooted belief about ourselves formed in early childhood. We may have an ancestral pattern that is deeply rooted in our cells.
Moving forward may bring up a painful memory of where we were stopped on our tracks while progressing in earlier life. E.g. the loss of a loved one, being bullied or shamed, not being heard.
Another common reason we can self-sabotage is that our goals are not in alignment with our values and true purpose, we may follow societal expectations. You can see why it is a positive intention and how it is in fact working for us until it is not
How to overcome self-sabotage
Firstly, to overcome this all parts need acknowledgement, given space, presence and compassion which is the core of my work with clients and in groups. There is the part that desperately wants the goal, the part that that is creating the distraction and self-sabotage, the part that is in the judgement of the saboteur and maybe the part that is in hiding.
Instead of dismissing any part we need to welcome all each at a time, ask what is its benefit, how does it feel in our body, how old is that part and what does it need to feel safe. Providing a sense of safety and letting the part know it will not be forced, some self-soothing, positive self-talk, resourcing and grounding.
Again, as what is centred in my practice is where emotional mastery, often is not the rejection, criticism and change we avoid but how we feel when that is happening. Once we start to become aware and develop a relationship with our emotional body we can better move forward in life.
With Love
Teresa